Month: October 2020

How do I know that I have found the one?How do I know that I have found the one?

How do I know that I have found the one is a question that people ask me all the time? When we talk about sex, which is really an enormous series of changes that have taken place in relationships.

First of all, there are three primary sexual revolutions.

  • The advent of cheap contraception. Without which women could never experience sexuality without women and men could never experience the freedom of separating sex from reproduction.
  • The women’s movement, which took on the abuses of power.
  • The gay movement, which introduced the concept of sexual identity. For most of history sexuality was seen as a part of our biology. Today we have socialized it. It is a part of who we are, of our identity, of how I see myself of how I express myself.

We no longer just have sex for reproduction. Neither is it in long-term relationships or in relationships that are with some some length. And it is no longer just a woman’s marital duty today. Sexuality, especially after two kids if you have two or three which is the average Western thing, it’s basically for pleasure and connection. No other motive so it better be good because in order to want sex it needs to be sex that is worth wanting. 

This is really a major shift to have sexuality that is based only on wanting. And hopefully I want you and you want me and it happens to be at the same time. 

It is giving us a unique opportunity to finally open up the narrow boxes in which masculinity femininity, male and female, have been locked up for way too long for. The last 40 years, we have done in the West and everywhere else a little bit of the beginning work, but very significant work to help women find their power in their voice. 

If we are going to work towards true equality We will match our intense efforts in helping women find power and voice With our intense efforts to help men be able to share their heart and their vulnerability.

The point of no returnThe point of no return

What is really going on in the lives of another couple and that isolation that loneliness doesn’t help us. It’s actually quite damaging. 

When you limit one sense, like sight, it often activates the other senses and the first one that it activates is actually listening. Listening is the first sense that any baby experiences in utero. It is the recognition of the mother’s voice. It is our first most primal connective sense.

When we listen deeply to other people, we reach into their humanity. We also get to see Ourselves, and we certainly get to understand otherness difference Let’s listen together Intensely, and if you get uncomfortable if you feel the vulnerability of having your sight limited, just breathe and accept it.

You need to know what you can live with. How much uncertainty? I sometimes used to describe what happens in relationships these days as called stable ambiguity. 

Stable ambiguity is that we are together nowadays? Just enough so that I don’t have to feel alone, but not too much so that I don’t have to feel committed. You need to know how much of that stable ambiguity is too afraid to be alone and not mature enough to really delve deep into the scary parts of self,. 

You know all these ultimatums. You just simply at one point decide I don’t want this this. I don’t want it for a multitude of reasons. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me doubt your connection to me. And that’s the point of no return.

Relationships are shiftingRelationships are shifting

Relationships at this moment are undergoing such a massive shift. The norms are literally changing under our feet, and we have to make up the rulebook as we go. You know for a long time our relationships were pretty simple because they were dictated by rules. 

  • Religion had clear strictures, and it had structure and it had incentives and it had prohibitions. 
  • Social hierarchy was also very clear. It told us how parents had to talk to the kids how children had to respond to adults. How husbands had to talk to their wives and how wives didn’t have to answer their husbands. 

Things were clear. All the decisions were made for us. 

  • Who was going to be the breadwinner? 
  • Who was going to wake up at night to feed the baby? 
  • Who has the right to demand for sex? 
  • What you did is what you father did.

At this moment we have unraveled this system, and we have created a world of options and choices and unprecedented freedom. But as a result we have to negotiate everything.

It’s all up for grabs. It’s no longer clear who’s gonna be the breadwinner. 

In fact, whose career is gonna take priority at this time, who’s gonna wake up tomorrow morning to feed the baby, who’s responsible for anything including initiating sex next time. Who’s going to plan the date? What gender should I be dating? How many people should I be dating at the same time? Should I tell them about the others? Am I ready to have children? Do I even want to have children? Should I move east should I move West? Where am I going to go on vacation next? Am I in mind my needs, but getting met in this relationship? Am I happy am I happy enough? 

All these big decisions burden us like never before. We have to figure it all out and because of that conversations have become the heart of relationships. We have to talk about stuff that we’ve never talked about that. We don’t know how to talk about that we don’t have the vocabulary to talk about. Most of the time we’ve even never said it to ourselves, “Are we up for the right people?”